Gone, But Not Forgotten

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.”-MLK
Everyday, I ask myself the same question: Should I forgive my mother or not? She damaged-if not ruined-so many lives. My siblings will never forget what she did to them. One time, she got mad at Adam, and made him sleep outside. It was December, and he got pneumonia. She definitely wreaked her brand of havoc on my father. Now, where is he? Living with his parents and daughter. (THAT’S NOT A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE YOUR STINKIN’ KID!!)
I know I should forgive her. But it seems as though I’m devoid of the ability. If it weren’t for her, her stupid drugs, her stupid drinks, her stupid INSANITY, we could all have a normal family right now. But instead I get an absentee mother, a distant father, a mean brother (Michael keeps it bottled up inside and tends to unleash on me; plus, I just annoy him), a brother I wasn’t allowed to see as a child, a sister whom I love to death but I never get to see, and one missing puzzle piece to this grand scheme of life: her.
Oh, and here’s the kicker: she thinks she has done nothing wrong. She’d do anything to get us back, so she can have her punching bags back.
I’ve been told that I’m her favorite. Adam told me that if he were on his friggen deathbed, she’d be asking for me. (It’s easy to believe that she has some fascination with me; she won’t stop requesting me on Facebook.) Easy to say that. I only knew her six months, I wasn’t old enough to be one of her targets. (Michael says that he liked me until I could talk.)
On the other hand, she is my mother, even though at times I really wish I could change that. If I can’t forgive my mother, who CAN I forgive? I think it would be easier to forgive her once I meet her in person. (I plan on doing that within the next five years.) Maybe there’s hope for her. Maybe there’s hope for me. Perhaps once I look at her face, and see the helplessness and self-pity, I’ll forgive her.
For now, all I have is a picture from 1991 and a dream.

8 thoughts on “Gone, But Not Forgotten

  1. Blake says:

    I know you want to do it when you see her. But you should now. As Christians we need to forgive. As God forgave her (if she’s a believer). So maybe you don’t want to but you should.

    • Pssh, she’s not a believer. My dad is, but I’m guessing that it’s her that made him stop going to church. Seens like something she’d do. I should forgive her. But with people like that, it’s hard. It’s really hard when you have to look into your dad’s eyes and seeing all the pain stored up, his hopes of me not turning out the same way. And with me already having punched out holes in walls, it’s not hard to believe that I got the violence gene.

      • Blake says:

        I know that. But you have the ability to hold back that violence with what you love. Writing. And that violence has barly every broke the boundaries. Well from what I have seen. Your strong and you will never turn out like that. I’d burn all drugs and booze out of that house if I have to. And it’s like you said. No alcohol will pass your lips

      • Sure, no alchohol, but my violence has gotten the best of me far too many times. Do you know how many friends I’ve hurt and lost over my violent tendencies? I’m lucky to still be holding onto you after over a year. I woulda gotten rid of me by now. :/ I’m just scared that soneday I’ll forget about my promises to myself and…become my mother.

  2. Blake says:

    Lucky? You’ll never get rid of me. And you forget there’s your dads genes you have to. No one is perfect. Even if some are worse then others. You won’t turn into an abuser. Because that’s just not you. Your a lover not an abuser. And I should know that

    • Yeah, my dad’s genes. What a jackpot. Drinks too much, yells too loudly, ALSO VIOLENT. Woo GO GENETICS.

      • Blake says:

        Also saved you from death. He’s a hero and you just see him as a jerk. Not to be harsh

      • I don’t see him as a jerk, I see him as a guy who needs to GET A CLUE!! He can’t keep me from my mother. He’s withheld any info about her from me for over 13 years! It needs to stop! I love him to death and YES I KNOW THAT HE SAVED MY LIFE, I WAS THERE. He needs to stop being scared of someone that isn’t around anymore! It ain’t just me talkin here, my whole family thinks he needs to FACE HIS FRIGGEN FEARS! If he can’t tell his own daughter that his ex-girlfriend and her mother was/is a child abuser/heavy smoker/drinker/druggie/basket-case, what can he do about facing it himself? Same with Michael! Michael has completely forgotten about it, and not in a good way. He puts it all behind him like it never happened. I DON’T SEE HOW I’M RELATED TO ALL THESE PEOPLE!!! I’ve never MET the chick and I deal with it better than them!

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