Every Friggin Kiss Begins With Kay

What must it be like to have a mother? To have someone to hug and breathe in her perfume? Questions such as these float around in my mind, remaining unanswered.
I grew up without the luxury of motherly love. I never got to go shopping with her, admiring window displays. I never was able to come home to the smell of cookies and think ‘Yay, Mom is baking.’ I never had someone to go to Muffins With Mom with in elementary school, so I stayed home and cried every single year. I was basically the only one without a mom on VIP day in elementary, when you got to bring your parents to a field-day thing. I didn’t get to make Mother’s Day cards in art class, so I’d sit there and want to cry. (That also happened this year, and I had to sit there and EXPLAIN why I wasn’t making a card.)
Mother’s Day has become a holiday I hate. I see all those sick TV commercials about buying Mom jewelry (because every friggin’ kiss begins with Kay), or about the “Mother’s Day Victoria’s Secret Blowout Sale!” or about “Thanking your mom today!” I am very bitter about that stupid holiday.
Growing up without her has done a lot to me. It’s not as if my life is terrible or something; I love almost every moment of it. But it’s her absence that made me eat a lot in elementary, thus making me the “fat kid.” She’s what made me become bitter and angry, and I still can’t get rid of that dark part of my personality. She made me feel like an outsider, because while all the other kids had moms to come pick them up in first grade, driving cute little cars and sporting dresses that made all the male teachers stare, I had my dad in a red truck with sweaty work clothes. She made me feel like I didn’t belong in this world filled with maternity. She made it look as if I was the only one. Funny, she did all this without ever talking to me.
And then I realized: I can’t let her control my life. She’s not even around. I was acting as if she was still here, controlling me. It was her absence that manipulated me, and I had to stop letting her do that.
Don’t get me wrong: I still cry over it, I still hurt. I still feel like a motherless schmuck sometimes. I still angrily turn off the TV when Mother’s Day adds come on. I haven’t completely gotten over her, and I don’t think I ever will. But I don’t let her dominate me anymore. I’ve come a long way with this, and I still have a long way to go. If I’ve learned one thing, motherless doesn’t equal pitiful. If you ask me, I think my life would be a lot worse WITH her around.

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7 thoughts on “Every Friggin Kiss Begins With Kay

  1. Perla says:

    wow Ali this made me cry , I never knew that not having a mom could hurt so much…And it makes me think how I treat my mom sometimes, I’m really sorry that you grew up w/o a mom and I know u don’t want my pitty but its not pitty its Respect , respect that you lived all your life w/o a mother and your still here and helping alot of people when the chance comes. I really respect you Ali more then I could ever say in words
    With love and respect your friend,
    Perla R.

  2. Joshua Hensley says:

    Ali there are so many words for what you must be feeling and i just want to say that im here if you need someone to talk to. i am sad to say in sixth grade and last year i was in a dark place thinking why should i be alive i want to say i almost killed myself a few time but at the last moment i realized that there are better people out there (and one of them you) that i can hang out with instead of those mean people and the reason i was dark in sixth grade is my mother almost died so i would be motherless to except mine would be pernament. and i am happy i can tell you are putting your heart into this and i am happy for you to make it this far in life.

  3. Joshua Hensley says:

    <3 2 :D

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