Alone In A World Full Of Maternity

When I wake up in the morning and I hit my snooze button repeatedly, I feel normal. When I do badly on a quiz that everyone else bombed, I feel normal. When my hair just won’t stay in place, I feel normal. It’s easy to feel normal in everyday situations like that.
When I see someone out having fun with their mom, however, that’s when I feel like the outsider. It’s when I see those icky Mothers Day ads, knowing I have nobody to buy a necklace for, that I feel unconventional.
It was worse when I was little. Every time the word ‘mother’ was merely mentioned I locked myself in my room and cried. Every time a friend of mine so much as acknowledged my motherless state I would yell at them to shut up and often harm them. It was a delicate subject.
Over the years my opinion on the matter has changed. Age 6 and under I was utterly clueless of what a mother even was, I just thought some people had them and some people didn’t, like two-story houses. After age 7 I started to become more aware of it. Most of the time I just didn’t care. Around age 10, I got sensitive about it. I figured that there was something wrong with me to not have what everyone else got. From then on I hated myself and tried the best I could to be good so maybe someday I would get a mom.
The real question is this: How do I feel about it now?

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