Looming Cloud of Envy, Still Around After 2 Years

From ages 5 to 11, my motherlessness had just been a sidenote. An FYI that came up in conversation some time after getting to know me. It wasn’t really that important. Sure, I cared, and I definitely noticed, but it wasn’t in the top 5 of Things To Know About Ali.
I remember keeping a diary in second grade. It was a sad little notebook, with only 3 or 4 pages of it filled up. (I’d never been too good at diaries.) [I still have it…I’ll go get it now.] Among the various pages recounting my holiday season adventures (I had gotten it for Christmas), you’ll see me babbling on about things second graders worry themselves with. Getting mauled by a dog, being “in love” with Jamario, seeing Adam and his girlfriend Misty (now wife). On the first page in the very bottom margin, however, you’ll see a simple note I had written to whoever happened to see the diary: “Sad fact about me: I don’t have a mom!” No farther elaboration, just a simple fact being stated, and then I moved on to a shirt I’d received and the Sega Genesis Adam gave me. I didn’t focus on the statement…just said it. That’s how many of my childhood years were spent: unfocused on my motherless state.
By the time I turned 12, however, it became more of a melancholy fact than a plain one. Not knowing who or where she was simply magnified it. It became this looming cloud of envy.
Right now, it’s a pretty big issue in my life-how can having an alchoholic, druggie, abusive, mentally unstable, homeless mother not be a big issue? It’s how I handle it that matters. I must admit, there have been times I’ve blamed myself, there have been times I’ve broken down and cried for hours, there have been times I’d much rather just live with her and remove all the mystery. (Wait…I can’t live with her. She’s homeless. Oops.) Point being, In the last year handling this well has not been my forte. It’s a struggle. All I know is, I gotta handle it, or it’ll handle me.

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