Outsider In My Own Home

Do I even belong in my family? Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off somewhere else. I’m nothing like most of them. The only famly member I can relate to at least 99% of the time is my brother Adam. The rest of them wonder where I came from, because my personality traits differ so much from theirs. I feel like I’m adopted, sometimes.

For example, I want to be a social worker or psychologist when I grow up. My family consists of clue collar workers, such as my father (a construction worker), my brother Michael (a mechanic) , my brother Adam (works at RentQuick, and Game Stop but that’s different),  and my grandpa (a retired electrician). My overall desired career path is totally differing from the norm for this family.

My entire personality is different from this family’s, except for Adam, which makes me think I must have gotten most of my traits from my mom (he’s my mom’s kid.) I’m loud and let people know what I’m thinking, whereas the rest of them just let stuff go. I tend to be stubborn, which is mostly my mom inme but my dad and Michael have defiitelty contributed.

I’m not girly, not at all. I believe that the same rules that apply to dudes should apply to chicks. So I punch people, I yell, I wear non-dressy clothes, I let my actions define me and not my gender. My grandma often tells me to be a lady, to which I say “Screw that!” (Then she gets onto me for saying “Screw that!” because it’s “vulgar”). I don’t use general manners, such as walking with posture or not waring a hat in a building or not putting my elbows on the table. I was taught those things as a child, but they never really mattered so I just discarded them into the pile of unneeded info in my mind.

So, I find myself wondering sometimes, what if I had stayed in fostercare? Would I be with people who understand me? Or would I be just another child deep in the system, wanting the family I have now? I don’t know, but either way I still feel the same about the current situation.

I’m tired of being an outsider in my own home.


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